Friday, 23 September 2011

Because thats what I am. I deserve to be fought for.

im writing this for one specific purpose. so that you will see it, and that you will like it, and that then you’ll realize im not just some girl you haven’t met yet, but that you know much about, not someone who you only used to talk through facebook about randomly deep shit going on in both of our lives. we’ve never even met and yet i went out of my way to try and comfort your younger brother when he thought he was losing you. i didn’t want him to feel like joe—too fucking late, because john is gone, and he’s dead, and that is breaking him apart albeit it hasn’t him him yet. there are things in life that people who don’t deserve it get thrown at them, things that aren’t fair and really fuck them up and i didn’t want that to happen to your seventh grade brother.
i care about you so much. it petrified me when i heard you were in the hospital and i wanted just for you to be okay. you seem so beautiful and i tell that girl in your french class that everytime i see her. don’t you understand? all the confidence you instilled in me when we began to talk just made me realize that it’s a boy like you i need in my life. someone whose been broken and should be feeble at heart that manages to stay strong and holds his chin up because he is forced to. i need someone like me in that sense.
when we first talked i doubted that you were going through this much shit in your life, because i never thought someone as astounding and breathtaking as you could be as fucked up as i am. never. and when you find that…well, it’s so wonderful. it’s like finding a diamond in the rough. some rain after a drought.
you should want me too. you shouldn’t be scared because i told you all this or because i keep trying to make you understand something. im so entirely flexible, i can be anything and anyone, and i’ll comfortable with it. but i always get screwed over. i always have to settle for some boy that will break my heart that i never even liked in the first place, or something i have to force myself to believe in, a crush that doesn’t truthfully exist.
but for some reason no one like you ever wants me. instead you want someone who is half the person i am. you want someone who isn’t as genuine, or honest, someone who comes with their own baggage and, trust me i know, won’t benefit you.
what is it then? am i ugly? am i fat? am i too miserable to fake a smile or a laugh? am i condemned to shitty circumstances no matter what? is my personality not good enough? do you think im fake? tell me. what makes me not beautiful?
i know everyones been through alot, and i shouldn’t compare myself, but fuck it, i want someone to need me back. someone worth fighting for, because thats what i am. i deserve to be fought for.

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